...and the Beat Goes On

So eldest daughter and grandson stopped by unexpectedly out to the house yesterday. I was surprised, but not unpleasantly. Had spoken to her (obviously) but not seen her for awhile.

She seemed uncomfortable, but that was not uncommon. It was her "I'm not on medication" mode. She said her doctor has tentitavely suggested she may be bi-polar. GEE, YA THINK?!?!?!? I mean... c'mon. (Even SHE admits to having these "impulsive, manic" phases.) So, the class of medication they put her on, the 'new' one, wasn't really designed to do well with that diagnoses. Personally, I think if they would have just gotten her records and READ THEM (doctors seem to not do that these days, for some reason)... they would have seen the pattern and also would have seen that although she'd not been on this particular medication before, she'd been on that class of medication and not had very much success with it.

So, she goes back on the 'old' medication on October 4. I asked if she'd then have to take it awhile before she could go back to work. She says she has a doctor appointment on the 20th... as well as a therapy appointment with a new therapist... and, yes, she won't be going back to work until after that appointment and the doctor signs off on it.

She admits that the things she thought were side effects from the old medication were still happening... if anything, getting worse. Things like insomnia and restless leg syndrome. She didn't like taking medication on medication, now she's finding out it wasn't caused by the original medication and she is back where she started, if not worse, because now the anxiety and depression are back - she claims it as nearly as bad as when she had her ECT treatments. Not good. I'm counting the days until she can get back on her regular medication that we know works... and she can just get stablized and centered again and get back to a normal routine.

...and it keeps going and going.

The More Things Change... PT IV

So. She gets started on the new medication. She is happy with it. Says it is working. Husband has talked to her, she seems upbeat and doing well. I talk to her. She seems upbeat and calm and doing well. She is to go back to work on Monday. That would be last Monday.

I didn't want to bug her, but send her a text Monday night asking her how it's going.

I get back a text. "Today has been craptastic. Have a doctor appointment in the morning. Want to go back on the old med."

My hopes are dashed that things were going well. She has her doctor appointment and he's putting her back on the old medication. However, she has to stop taking the new one for, yes, two weeks. Then, of course, it will take a bit of time for the full dosage to get into her system.

Honestly, yes I am worried about her health. I am also worried about her job. I don't know how they can keep her on. I know they can't fire her while she's off on disability, but as much as she has cost that company I can't imagine they wouldn't be trying to find any little excuse to let her go when she is there. My husband fears she will lose her job and with her history not be able to find another one... and, yes, then she'll be back living with us. I fear she will end up on permanent disability and I wonder what kind of a life she's going to have.

Well... I know this has gone on and on... sorry about that. I just get so frustrated and lucky you gets the brunt. Well, if you are still here and reading, thanks for sticking it out. If you jumped around and got to the end and said "yes! the end!" then thanks for being here for the end.

I kinda doubt it really is the end, tho'... if you get my drift. Just another chapter in the saga.

The More Things Change... PT III

Strange posts began appearing on Facebook. She'd say something bizarre then the next day she'd take it off. I called and she said she didn't like the Xanax, that it made her unfocused and she didn't know what she was doing with it. She'd write something in the middle of the night, then get up the next morning and see what she'd written and not remember. She told me she had phone conversations with her ex-mother in law as well as her ex-husband and neither conversation was very clear to her. Not good.

Then she sent a long email to my daughter-in-law and supposedly to my younger daughter. The title was something about "An Apology"... in which she said she was sorry for not listening to them last spring when they were trying to help her. When my DIL tried to call her back she got voicemail so left a message telling daughter that she didn't need to apologize, that they just wanted the best for her. Well, then daughter called back and left a voicemail on DIL's phone saying, "oh, I wasn't apologizing, I have nothing to apologize for". HUH? What are you doing titling your email "An Apology" for then???? Argh!

Well, younger daughter never got the email to start with... and found out about it from DIL. Out of the blue, elder daughter tries to call younger daughter, and leaves a rambling voicemail in which she was crying and mumbling and generally difficult to understand. Younger daughter played it for me, not knowing how to respond and we were concerned. When I tried to call my elder daughter back I got no answer! Now husband comes home, hears all this and he starts trying to call her. Over and over and over. No answer.

Worrying that she's done something, he and I jump in the car and go to her apartment. Mind you, this is now almost 10 o'clock at night and it is 30 miles away. He and I are worrying about worse case scenerios as we drive. He asks if I have a key to get in her apartment. Uh, no. So then it is, "well, if she doesn't answer the door, do we call the cops?". Probably so. This is how we were thinking.

We get there, knock on the door, and she answers! She's been crying, but tells us she's been on the phone with her brother (our eldest boy)! Oh, geez. So we sit and visit for a bit and try to figure out what all the drama was with the email to the girls. She doesn't think daughter should have shared her phone call with us... but, hey, we were just as upset and worried as she was and had no idea what she was trying to say and were just trying to find out what was going on! I'm sorry, but when you try to kill yourself four times, some privacy goes out the window.

She tells me the Xanax isn't working. She then tells me she's not taking it, since it makes her feel funny. I ask her if she's called her doctor like he told her to. Uh, no. After she calms down and promises to call the doctor the next day we leave. Next day he puts her on something else and she tells me it is much better. Whew. One more week to go until she can get on the new medication

The More Things Change... PT II

A week goes by after the party. I go to work on Monday morning and am only there for an hour when the phone rings. It is eldest daughter, crying. Could I come pick her up from her work. I ask what happened and all I get is... I need to go and they don't want me to drive.

Fearing she has been fired, or who-knows-what, I leave my job and rush over to pick her up. She has been sobbing. Tells me that she quit taking her medication two weeks before and now is bottoming out.

Really? REALLY? WTF?

She says the doctor told her he would try her on a new medication in September as she didn't like the side effects of the one she was on... and she just decided to take matters into her own hands and go off the medication herself because "she wanted to see if she could be like everyone else". Oh.No.You.Didn't.

I tried to explain to her that just as I have to stay on medication and/or will always have to watch what I eat because of my body not making what it needs, causing diabetes, she will always have to be on something because her brain doesn't make enough of the chemicals it needs to keep her stable mentally. She admits this is probably true, but she did it anyway and then she got scared and took two doses of the old med.

We went to my house and tried to call her doctor. Several hours later we got a response and they got her into see him - the next evening. So, for the rest of that day, night, and all the next day I tried to keep her calm and took care of her as well as I could. We went to her place and got her things and she had calmed down enough she could drive so we picked up her car and took it to her apartment. We made arrangements for her son to stay with his dad and made the best of it.

The next day the doctor said he couldn't start her on the new medication because she'd taken those two doses. If she hadn't, then he could have. As it was, she'd have to be off the old one completely for two full weeks before starting the new one. He said she was safe to go home alone and then he gave her some Xanax to help her get by for those two weeks.

It didn't work.

The More Things Change... PT I

You've heard the rest. I didn't blog this summer. Not here, not the other one. I started back on the other one and I was going to let this one rest, but unfortunately frustration has reared up again and I can't help but vent. Bear with me... or click that little "x" and get on with your life.

Eldest daughter moved out into her own apartment the end of May. Things seemed to settle out a bit as she got into a routine of her own space, her own schedule and around our house there was a collective sigh. We managed to see her fairly often and she was getting the grandson through some summer activities, then suddenly school was just around the corner.

When younger daughter graduated from college mid-May, the family got together and went to the ceremony then had a family cookout. It was pretty low-key but nonetheless eldest daughter managed to put on a grumpy face and leave the ceremony early... going home and being decked out in her finest sweatpants before the rest of us even got home. The rest of the day's activities were overshadowed by the glowering woman in the sweat pants.

After that episode and the moving out, things seemed better for awhile. Eldest daughter was still doing things with some friends she'd made at work, and she seemed relatively happy. Fast forward a bit to the middle of August. I had planned a surprise birthday party for my husband to take place at our house. The idea was to get him out of the house (younger daughter and I took him to the fair) and the ruse was we were going to go home mid-afternoon to meet up with the other kids and their spouses, the grandson, etc, and cookout. Little did husband know that 80 of his closest friends were waiting for him. I'd gotten both boys roped into preparing things, a friend of the family grilled the meats, and my daughter-in-law gathered up some of the food stuff. I wanted elder daughter to feel included, so asked her to pick up the cake and help out however she could. As it turned out, she did... and she and grandson made a nice banner out of an old sheet and some spray paint.

The party went amazingly well and yes, he was surprised. As the food was being laid out, eldest daughter and grandson were first in line and I had a chance to thank her for all her help and tell her how nice the banner looked. I didn't have much time to visit then, and a short while later when I went looking for her, I was told they'd left!

I sent her a text to thank her again and mentioned I had missed getting to visit. She said she'd been getting anxious so left, which was fine, except I heard later from my son that she actually made kind of a scene and "peeled out" when she left. Not sure what was up with that.

With lots of things going on I didn't really have time to dwell on the topic... not then.

Frustration to the Nth Degree

Sorry to keep you hanging. I mentioned something bad as I signed off on the last post with every intention of blogging about it right away and got distracted (oooo...shiney!) so didn't get it done in as timely a fashion as intended. Here, now, is the explaination.

As I've mentioned, I started a new eating and exercise plan mid-January and have been progressing pretty nicely (if I do say so myself ). I have been the incredible shrinking woman, according to Hubs and I've been proud of myself because I have worked my ASS off, literally, to do it. Prompted by my health issues (diabetes, high blood pressure, etc), I was the picture of "couch potato" ... all my activities, well, most anyway, were sedentary. I was either working on the computer, playing on the computer, watching TV, cross-stitching, knitting, crocheting, reading... you get the idea. The only thing I did that was even half-assed active was gardening and that isn't a year-'round thing. In January with the threat of being put on insulin, I decided I must finally for once and for all do something about my health.

I started eating right and walking. This led to losing some weight and being inspired to sign up for a 5 K walk in June (yes, only about 3 miles, but when a half-a-mile about kills you, you start small). With my two back surgeries behind me as well, I'm always very cautious when getting into physical activity. I am paranoid I'm going to hurt myself, so am extremely careful. Well, after beginning to lose, then hitting a lull, I joined a gym that is only a couple of miles away and is accessible 24/7 so I can sneak in at 4 a.m. and do some weight/strength training without anyone seeing the fat lady. Works out perfectly for me. I go, do that a couple of times a week, then come home and finish my work-out on the treadmill. In-between, I use the treadmill and watch some favorite TV shows - killing two birds with one stone. It also allows me to cater my workout to how I am feeling that day. If it is a good day and I'm feeling strong, I may actually go six miles! I try to at least go 3, however, in training for the 5K walk in June. The nice thing about the treadmill is I don't have to worry about exhausting myself, then having to figure out how to get home. :)

So... the end result of all of this was a recent doctor visit where my A1C had dropped from high into normal range, my bad cholesterol was cut in half, and my good cholesterol went up. On top of that? I've lost 30 lbs and gone from a size 18 "fat girl" pant to a size 8 "regular woman" pant. Yes, I still have a way to go, but I'm healthier and more fit than I've been in years. Even before when I was thin I was never ever active, so I'm in much better shape all around.

Now comes the frustration. My daughters. My younger daughter has usually been thin and trim and does eat well and exercise. She has had times in her life either puberty or from medication where she's gained some weight, but she normally can get it off pretty easily by just getting back on track. She's been an inspiration to me and is eating well (with me) and is making the whole thing work better for me. She's at a point where she is getting some stress pounds and is frustrated because for one reason or another she's having trouble losing it as easily as she used to, but she's got a great attitude about it and is just sticking to it.

My elder daughter, well... that's another story. Since she split with her husband last fall she has gained a good 50 lbs. She's been stressed and has been eating everything in sight for months. Not good things, either... last fall when she was making lunches for my husband and son, she was eating a whole package of chocolate chip cookies every two days. By herself. I had the cookies for the guys to have in their lunches and she'd pack a couple for them, then eat the rest of the package. By herself. She ballooned up like you wouldn't believe. She's the shortest of my family as well, so it comes on quicker.

I understand stress and stress eating and putting on weight from it. Trust me, I do. So, when we finally all started eating better and so forth after the first of the year, I encouraged her to do the same. She acted like she wanted to and she was doing better stress-wise and was much more open to it... and realized what she had been doing with the cookies, coke, etc...

Well, as I've been shrinking, she's still been gaining. Partly because she is still not eating all that well and her portion control is, for lack of better words, extreme. She has two or three servings of something (large servings) and we've even had issues with no food being left for everyone to eat! I have been open about my weight loss, I'm not sneaking around about it, and so as I've been shrinking and she's been gaining, I've been giving her open reign on my closet. What she doesn't want is going to charity as I am determined not to have the option to grow back into them. So, this has been a very open process and there have been lots of discussions about healthier eating, exercise, etc, and lost of encouragement ... and she seems genuinely interested in wanting to make the changes. However, then when it is her night to cook she sabotages us with fattening 'new' recipes. That is frustration #1.

Even more frustrating and frightening, tho', is the fact that a card came for her in the mail from the local nutrition store thanking her for her recent purchase. Now, I've been to that store and I've bought things there, too... specifically, a protein powder which my doctor suggested would help as a 'snack' to keep me from getting hungry between meals. When it came I was the only one home. Suspecting the worst, I did that horrible "mom thing". I searched her room. I didn't have to look far. Diet pills.

You have to know my daughter has been on heavy duty medication for anxiety and depression. She has to watch some of the things she eats, even, for medication interraction. She is taking diet pills? I mean, those are hard on "healthy" people's blood pressure, heart, lungs, etc. She could have a heart attack or a stroke from them! What the hell was she thinking???

So, when she got home from work I just casually asked her about going there... and told her I had a membership if she wanted to use it for any discounts. She said they gave her a free membership as well and didn't elaborate. I told her I'd gotten the protein powder there and that it was with my doctor's blessing... then I just said, "you wouldn't take diet pills, would you?"

She lied to my face. "Oh, no!! Never!". I reminded her that with her medication it could be deadly and she was all, "oh, yes... I understand... and I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't take the risk!" I told her if she did she should consult her doctor first at least to make sure there was no drug interraction. "Oh, I wouldn't do that".

God. Damn. It. I was so mad I could spit nails. Lied. To. My. Face.

So, I worried myself sick about it for the night then did what any good mom would. I went to her room the next day before she got home from work and took them away. Has she said a word to me? Nope. I figured she would either have a melt-down and tell me to stay out of her stuff and throw around the "I'm an adult" thing again, or she'll just ignore me and go buy more and hide them better, OR... if I'm lucky, I gave her a wake up call and made her actually think about what they could do to her and she'll just let it go. At least I feel like I did something. As younger daughter said when I told her, "what? she's not going to commit suicide any longer but she may kill herself accidently with the diet pills?" Yeah. My thoughts exactly.

Soooo... there it is. What do you think? Did I overstep my bounds since she is "an adult"? Or what would you have done? There are so many days I still remember what I told my kids when they were young and I felt overwhelmed... "Kids don't come with a manual. I'm doing the best I can with what I know and what I believe. I don't always get it right, but I hope I get it right more than I get it wrong and you don't end up too screwed up."

A New Day...

I should have updated this sooner. Oh, well. Better late than never?

Dating progressed between daughter and her hubs... then, it stopped abruptly. Seemed he was keeping some of his feelings hidden. He basically insisted she would be better off quitting her job and moving forty miles south where he is now located and living in the big city and getting a new job. Well, she doesn't want to take her son out of his current school district (which is fairly small)... and, if she did, she didn't want it to be to that huge district. The hubs said he'd consider moving outside the big city, but not tooo far. When she innocently mentioned an apartment that she'd heard of in her son's current district, he blew. He said he told her he was NOT moving that far away from the city again, and that she just wanted him to move there and take care of her.

Huh? She was stunned. She asked what he meant, and he said, "take care of you like I have been for the past three years". Well, in all honesty, he has had to take care of her to a certain extent because of her mental health issues. However, isn't that part of "for better or worse, for sickness and in health"... ?? Or did I miss something? Besides that, she's been great (ignoring the meltdown over the divorce) since last summer. She made it through the winter and all the pressure and stress of losing her house, her husband, her cats, etc., and having to drive to work in the worst of conditions... all without losing her mind. I think she should be commended!

When she got upset with him and started crying he made some comment about how "no, you haven't changed". That was the last straw. She has changed soooo much. She is so much stronger than she's been for years. So much more optomistic and active and just living life.

She told him to cancel the marriage counseling session. It was over.

Her 90 day waiting period was up last week. She's waiting to get the final decree in the mail. She was a bit of a mess for a bit... having gotten her hopes up and all, but in the long run? I'm glad it happened. She won't be wondering "what if". She will know that he was actually the one who didn't change, not really.

She found a lovely apartment with new appliances, etc, right near her son's school. She won't be too awfully far away and she's planning for the future. She moves near the end of next month.

Things have gotten a bit more peaceful. Well, except for one little bit of 'bad stuff' that I'll tell you later... if you come back, that is!