Frustration to the Nth Degree

Sorry to keep you hanging. I mentioned something bad as I signed off on the last post with every intention of blogging about it right away and got distracted (oooo...shiney!) so didn't get it done in as timely a fashion as intended. Here, now, is the explaination.

As I've mentioned, I started a new eating and exercise plan mid-January and have been progressing pretty nicely (if I do say so myself ). I have been the incredible shrinking woman, according to Hubs and I've been proud of myself because I have worked my ASS off, literally, to do it. Prompted by my health issues (diabetes, high blood pressure, etc), I was the picture of "couch potato" ... all my activities, well, most anyway, were sedentary. I was either working on the computer, playing on the computer, watching TV, cross-stitching, knitting, crocheting, reading... you get the idea. The only thing I did that was even half-assed active was gardening and that isn't a year-'round thing. In January with the threat of being put on insulin, I decided I must finally for once and for all do something about my health.

I started eating right and walking. This led to losing some weight and being inspired to sign up for a 5 K walk in June (yes, only about 3 miles, but when a half-a-mile about kills you, you start small). With my two back surgeries behind me as well, I'm always very cautious when getting into physical activity. I am paranoid I'm going to hurt myself, so am extremely careful. Well, after beginning to lose, then hitting a lull, I joined a gym that is only a couple of miles away and is accessible 24/7 so I can sneak in at 4 a.m. and do some weight/strength training without anyone seeing the fat lady. Works out perfectly for me. I go, do that a couple of times a week, then come home and finish my work-out on the treadmill. In-between, I use the treadmill and watch some favorite TV shows - killing two birds with one stone. It also allows me to cater my workout to how I am feeling that day. If it is a good day and I'm feeling strong, I may actually go six miles! I try to at least go 3, however, in training for the 5K walk in June. The nice thing about the treadmill is I don't have to worry about exhausting myself, then having to figure out how to get home. :)

So... the end result of all of this was a recent doctor visit where my A1C had dropped from high into normal range, my bad cholesterol was cut in half, and my good cholesterol went up. On top of that? I've lost 30 lbs and gone from a size 18 "fat girl" pant to a size 8 "regular woman" pant. Yes, I still have a way to go, but I'm healthier and more fit than I've been in years. Even before when I was thin I was never ever active, so I'm in much better shape all around.

Now comes the frustration. My daughters. My younger daughter has usually been thin and trim and does eat well and exercise. She has had times in her life either puberty or from medication where she's gained some weight, but she normally can get it off pretty easily by just getting back on track. She's been an inspiration to me and is eating well (with me) and is making the whole thing work better for me. She's at a point where she is getting some stress pounds and is frustrated because for one reason or another she's having trouble losing it as easily as she used to, but she's got a great attitude about it and is just sticking to it.

My elder daughter, well... that's another story. Since she split with her husband last fall she has gained a good 50 lbs. She's been stressed and has been eating everything in sight for months. Not good things, either... last fall when she was making lunches for my husband and son, she was eating a whole package of chocolate chip cookies every two days. By herself. I had the cookies for the guys to have in their lunches and she'd pack a couple for them, then eat the rest of the package. By herself. She ballooned up like you wouldn't believe. She's the shortest of my family as well, so it comes on quicker.

I understand stress and stress eating and putting on weight from it. Trust me, I do. So, when we finally all started eating better and so forth after the first of the year, I encouraged her to do the same. She acted like she wanted to and she was doing better stress-wise and was much more open to it... and realized what she had been doing with the cookies, coke, etc...

Well, as I've been shrinking, she's still been gaining. Partly because she is still not eating all that well and her portion control is, for lack of better words, extreme. She has two or three servings of something (large servings) and we've even had issues with no food being left for everyone to eat! I have been open about my weight loss, I'm not sneaking around about it, and so as I've been shrinking and she's been gaining, I've been giving her open reign on my closet. What she doesn't want is going to charity as I am determined not to have the option to grow back into them. So, this has been a very open process and there have been lots of discussions about healthier eating, exercise, etc, and lost of encouragement ... and she seems genuinely interested in wanting to make the changes. However, then when it is her night to cook she sabotages us with fattening 'new' recipes. That is frustration #1.

Even more frustrating and frightening, tho', is the fact that a card came for her in the mail from the local nutrition store thanking her for her recent purchase. Now, I've been to that store and I've bought things there, too... specifically, a protein powder which my doctor suggested would help as a 'snack' to keep me from getting hungry between meals. When it came I was the only one home. Suspecting the worst, I did that horrible "mom thing". I searched her room. I didn't have to look far. Diet pills.

You have to know my daughter has been on heavy duty medication for anxiety and depression. She has to watch some of the things she eats, even, for medication interraction. She is taking diet pills? I mean, those are hard on "healthy" people's blood pressure, heart, lungs, etc. She could have a heart attack or a stroke from them! What the hell was she thinking???

So, when she got home from work I just casually asked her about going there... and told her I had a membership if she wanted to use it for any discounts. She said they gave her a free membership as well and didn't elaborate. I told her I'd gotten the protein powder there and that it was with my doctor's blessing... then I just said, "you wouldn't take diet pills, would you?"

She lied to my face. "Oh, no!! Never!". I reminded her that with her medication it could be deadly and she was all, "oh, yes... I understand... and I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't take the risk!" I told her if she did she should consult her doctor first at least to make sure there was no drug interraction. "Oh, I wouldn't do that".

God. Damn. It. I was so mad I could spit nails. Lied. To. My. Face.

So, I worried myself sick about it for the night then did what any good mom would. I went to her room the next day before she got home from work and took them away. Has she said a word to me? Nope. I figured she would either have a melt-down and tell me to stay out of her stuff and throw around the "I'm an adult" thing again, or she'll just ignore me and go buy more and hide them better, OR... if I'm lucky, I gave her a wake up call and made her actually think about what they could do to her and she'll just let it go. At least I feel like I did something. As younger daughter said when I told her, "what? she's not going to commit suicide any longer but she may kill herself accidently with the diet pills?" Yeah. My thoughts exactly.

Soooo... there it is. What do you think? Did I overstep my bounds since she is "an adult"? Or what would you have done? There are so many days I still remember what I told my kids when they were young and I felt overwhelmed... "Kids don't come with a manual. I'm doing the best I can with what I know and what I believe. I don't always get it right, but I hope I get it right more than I get it wrong and you don't end up too screwed up."

A New Day...

I should have updated this sooner. Oh, well. Better late than never?

Dating progressed between daughter and her hubs... then, it stopped abruptly. Seemed he was keeping some of his feelings hidden. He basically insisted she would be better off quitting her job and moving forty miles south where he is now located and living in the big city and getting a new job. Well, she doesn't want to take her son out of his current school district (which is fairly small)... and, if she did, she didn't want it to be to that huge district. The hubs said he'd consider moving outside the big city, but not tooo far. When she innocently mentioned an apartment that she'd heard of in her son's current district, he blew. He said he told her he was NOT moving that far away from the city again, and that she just wanted him to move there and take care of her.

Huh? She was stunned. She asked what he meant, and he said, "take care of you like I have been for the past three years". Well, in all honesty, he has had to take care of her to a certain extent because of her mental health issues. However, isn't that part of "for better or worse, for sickness and in health"... ?? Or did I miss something? Besides that, she's been great (ignoring the meltdown over the divorce) since last summer. She made it through the winter and all the pressure and stress of losing her house, her husband, her cats, etc., and having to drive to work in the worst of conditions... all without losing her mind. I think she should be commended!

When she got upset with him and started crying he made some comment about how "no, you haven't changed". That was the last straw. She has changed soooo much. She is so much stronger than she's been for years. So much more optomistic and active and just living life.

She told him to cancel the marriage counseling session. It was over.

Her 90 day waiting period was up last week. She's waiting to get the final decree in the mail. She was a bit of a mess for a bit... having gotten her hopes up and all, but in the long run? I'm glad it happened. She won't be wondering "what if". She will know that he was actually the one who didn't change, not really.

She found a lovely apartment with new appliances, etc, right near her son's school. She won't be too awfully far away and she's planning for the future. She moves near the end of next month.

Things have gotten a bit more peaceful. Well, except for one little bit of 'bad stuff' that I'll tell you later... if you come back, that is!

I Need a Wife... or Something

I've mentioned this before, but I could sure use a wife. Especially in this, the busy season.

I work in the agricultural field. My hubs and I also farm (grain crops only, no livestock). In the fall I am busier than... well, you fill in the blank with whatever comes to mind for horrifically busy.


I now have extra bodies living in my house. Bodies that need to be fed at scheduled times. The boy is used to eating at, say, 6 o'clock or there abouts. Since my children are grown and gone (well, kinda) my hubs and I have gotten used to being very flexible about dinner time. We eat when it works. If he is in the field, he may not get home until 8, 9 or even sometimes 10 o'clock. If it gets too late for me and I get light-headed and need to eat, I'll go ahead and eat. If it is something I've prepared, say, a casserole, then I'll save the rest for him and heat it up when he gets home. Otherwise, if I can wait, I'll wait for him and we'll eat then. If it is something that needs to be eaten right away, I won't make it on a night when I think there is a chance he'll be late. If it is something fast, say, grilling a steak, then I'll just wait until he gets home to fix it while he's in the shower. Get the idea?


When my daughter and the boy moved home and I told her that we were very irregular in our eating patterns and that she should just go ahead and cook and either keep warm the leftovers and we'd eat them as we got around to it, or to just eat what they wanted and we'd fix something when we got home. I know money has been tight for her, so I've not said anything as the grocery bill has tripled and things magically appear on the list that I've not even touched (i.e. cookies).


As of yesterday (about three days ago as I write this) I have yet to see her take the initiative on dinner. I got home last night at 5:30 after leaving the house at 6 a.m. to go to work. I have been working all day. Hubs has been working. All day. Daughter? Has been... doing...? All. Day.


I was pissed. I got home and there wasn't meat thawing to cook, nothing on the stove, not a glimmer of an intent to cook. None. I was tired and really angry. I mentioned perhaps she could get out a carton of homemade spaghetti sauce from the freezer and thaw it and make spaghetti for supper. I heard her banging around as I was getting the dogs out and I happened to hear Hubs say something to her about cooking. Her comment? "I don't like to cook". I like his response... "You like to EAT don't you?"


I mean, seriously. I'm doing all the grocery shopping, paying for it, etc., and she is living at our house free. 100% FREE. You would think maybe she would want to pitch in a bit? Yes, she has been doing the dishes every night (we have a dishwasher... she's never had one. Hardship? I think not.) I have thanked her for that and told her I appreciate it. But really? I just want her to take care of her own child and get dinner around for him and so on and so forth. Is that too much to ask?


On a last note... this morning Hubs woke me up banging around the house at 4:30. (Stupid time change still has us screwed up). He came into the bedroom and wanted to know if I had a key to the house. WTF? Uh, yes, I do... why? Because someone had locked the doors (inside and one to the garage) to his bathroom... and no one was in there. Now, I suspect it was the boy, but really? Why would you DO that? Not a good way to start the morning. Thank goodness the key worked, as we hadn't ever tried it on that door before...


This whole having people living with us may be the death of me yet...

If You've Seen My Mind, Send It Back

No, I'm not really losing my mind... not in the normal sense of the word. I am just having pangs of mortality. I'm not THAT old, but I find as time goes on I'm having more and more brain farts. You know, you have something on the tip of your tongue - or the edge of your brain, more likely - and it just won't come out. I have always been fairly quick-witted and pride myself on the amount of won't-make-me-a-dime trivia I have always known. Life lint. The itsy bitsy little things that somehow get stuck in the crevices of my brain that I have always been able to pull out at a moments' notice. Now? Not-so-much. I have to stop and think about it... or start playing the 'relationship' game with my spouse or one of my kids. You know, "they were in that movie with what's his name "... and his name starts with a "D". Then they say something else that triggers the name to pop out of hiding.

Lately, I find myself depending more and more not on my own brain, but on the internet. It is so much easier to google the movie I thought they were in or the one I'm currently watching to remember what else they've been in or "where have I seen them"...

I have turned into a cheat.

Even with all that? I am losing it. The other night I was watching a show with my daughters and I was so sure that one of the characters had played a certain part in another show that I bet my daughter $20 on it.

I looked it up.

I was wrong.

Do you know what that did to me? I mean, seriously. Me. I'm the one who knows these things. Now it isn't just about the speed of response, or the fact that I even am aware of the connections that are there to be made... now I am wrong even when I'm SURE I am right.

How depressing.

Beginning... Again

I have been blogging for several years. The first few were rather anonymous, then my family found out about it, then it became pretty open. This changed me. It made me censor myself internally to the point where lately I've been speechless. I need the outlet. I need to write. I need to get it out of my head and this is the only way I know how.

For now, the more public blog will stay up and I'll probably still post rather mundane things there, but here is where I will let my head and heart speak up once more. To those of you who have followed me here... welcome. Thanks for sticking around.