Thursday, October 29, 2009

Fighting the Darkness

I'm struggling with the darkness. Again.

Logic tells me I'm in a great place, in a great time of my life. I should be happy. I read blogs of loss, of breakups, of death and illness and heartache and fear... and short of a cold, I have none of those. I should be happy. My own daughter is struggling with a painful divorce and trying to get back on her feet and find her own way in the world again. I am loved and protected and needed and wanted and blessed to have a man who has stood by me through the good and the bad. I should be happy.

I can't say these things on my other blog. The one he can read. The one my loved ones read. It feels selfish and awful to admit that I should be happy... but ...I'm not. There is something keeping me from it and I can't even put my finger on the 'it' that is the problem.

Bear with me while I muddle it around in my brain awhile longer... perhaps talking it out will soothe the beast. I can't talk about it with him because he goes into self-protection mode. He's scared to death that I'll go back into that unforgiving night and leave him alone. I know he has no time or patience for any kind of professional help... and I wouldn't know the first place to start. The last time I went to a therapist she was way more screwed up that I was!

I feel guilty for this way I feel... a vicious cycle of feeling bad... for feeling bad.

I should be happy.


Miss Bliss said...

I was told a long time ago to stop "shoulding" on myself. So I pass that on to you. I find that my feelings just are...that's it. They exist, that's all. They are rarely facts. They almost always have something to tell me but again what they have to say is rarely factual. So it serves no purpose to note over and over to myself that I have a great life, great family and yet I am in a strange dark place right at the moment. The two almost have nothing to do with each other at times. I have found that talking to those who are not threatened by my feelings is helpful. I have found that writing about those feelings is helpful. I have found that making sure I am eating properly and sleeping enough and getting enough social time as well as enough alone time is helpful. Sometimes I find that I am angry...angry from years past, still angry at people long gone, still angry at myself over perceived failures or cowardice...just angry. That usually needs some acknowledgement and place to vent.
I have had a couple of really good therapists and a couple of mediocre ones. There are of course horrible ones out there just as with anything. I think of therapy as a tool, you pick it up and use it when you need it, when you don't need it any more you put it away in your tool box. Hang in there Sue...sometimes I find I just have to keep breathing and living and going until it passes, because really and truly, everything passes.

heather fish said...

You cannot help how you feel. Sometimes it just is. It does not have to have a reason or make sense. I had a therapist once who literally saved my life. Sometimes you just have to find the right one.

Sizzle said...

I am with Bliss. Stop shoulding all over yourself! Just because on paper things appear good and happy or in comparison our life might seem well off, doesn't mean we don't have feelings. Own how you feel. It's the first step to changing it.

You deserve to be happy. If you aren't right now, that deserves some examining so you can find a path to it. Don't fault yourself for tripping up on the journey, just keep your eyes on the horizon and keep on going.

jules said...

i too am struggling with "shoulds", so maybe we can serve to remind one another to just feel what we feel.