Friday, October 16, 2009

Put Those Down Before You Hurt Somebody

Friday. She and I talk. She tells me how good he was the whole time and that he was concerned about her health since she didn't appear to be well. That was why he made her drive 20 miles to talk? Apparently.

He offers to help her move. She's already lined up her ex-husband to help, but another strong body is always welcome. She knows they will tolerate each other. No blood will be shed. Moving on Saturday morning.

She's loading everything into an enclosed trailer that will then be taken to my mother's to be unloaded and things stored in her basement. Plans are made to leave most of the appliances and a lot of the big, heavy pieces of furniture are second-hand and not worth lugging around to the next place they land. Her hubs had already taken sofa, tv, and his computer (of course) and whatever else he wanted, so all that remained were hers and her sons' things and a lot of items had already been given to charity or pitched. "So much for my wedding keepsakes" she said as she pitched them into a trash bag.

Friday night the handing over of the son to the grandparents went fine. Everyone is being civil and the grandparents love the child even if the husband doesn't. They'll meet again on Sunday to hand him back.

Saturday morning I go to work and she leaves to move. I tell her to be strong and it will go quickly and I'll call when I get off work to see if they still need help. She calls me about 1 o'clock in the afternoon to let me know they are done. All packed up. She has decided to go to her husband's place.
For the night.
Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
I can't think. I'm so disturbed, upset, disappointed. Not twenty four hours ago she was telling me how she had agreed with him that they would try dating, not living together, and no sex... to see if there was anything left to salvage. To give him an opportunity to show her if he could really make the leap to actually talk to her son, do things with him, get to know him- not just treat him like he was the family dog - all commands and orders and sarcasm.

Not twelve hours before she said she didn't know if the dating thing would even work because she really didn't think he could change. She thought his desire to always be right, to always be the 'man'... would keep him from being able to bend enough to change. She had told me how her son went off on her Thursday night because he was so worried... and how when she drove him to visit his grandparents she asked him if he missed Hubs. The son said, yes, he missed him and he loved him. She asked what he missed about him and he said, his cooking and the way he made them laugh. Interestingly enough, the son hasn't said one word to anyone else about missing him. When he stayed with us a week this summer, hubs' name never even came up. He talked about his mom, his dad, and other friends and family members but never once mentioned his step-dad. In talking to my daughter-in-law the other night she said the same thing. They'd kept the boy overnight one night and the only comment he ever made about that man was that the boy didn't like his jokes... that they made him feel bad.

I tried to explain to my daughter (who was reaching for hope, I know, and I crushed it - bitch that I am) that children are going to tell parents what they want them to hear. He sees her leave the other night in hysterics, knowing she is going to talk to him... then comes home all giddy. You can't tell me that he's not putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with "well, if he makes mom happy I'll tell her what she wants to hear".

She didn't want to hear it, but then she herself came up with examples of how the boy hasn't even cried or had any emotion where her hubs is concerned and with all the leaving and upheaval and moving... he's been fine. The only time he got upset was when she didn't let him know where she was and he was worried about her. The only time.

Now she was going to go spend the night with him? I was livid. I went to the field with my hubs and rode with him while they were combining ... and ranted. I didn't know if this was her way of "thanking" him for helping her move, or what? I was so frustrated. I stewed about it for hours... not getting back to the house until almost 10 pm.

Arriving home I find... she's there!?!? She changed her mind! She's crying and upset and kicking herself... but she's glad she changed her mind and didn't go. She said while they were moving she was watching him and seeing 'red flags' go up now and then, but was getting all hopeful and giddy when he suggested she come to his place. Finally, as she was putting gas in her car to go she realized what she was doing and just couldn't do it.

She's since told me she doesn't think it is going to work out. She doesn't think it is a good idea to even 'date' as it will just give him false hope. She wants to stay friends, if he will, but figures once she tells him that then he'll give her the cold shoulder and it will be a door closed. She says she's okay with that. She called him a couple of nights ago and told him. She said he seemed resigned and didn't even get upset. When she told her son that she wasn't going to 'date' or try and work it out with him, all son said was, "ok". No tears, nothing... just "ok".
Now if she can just keep on getting stronger and think about herself and her son.

I'm ready for this particular roller-coaster to be over.

This roller-coaster is a bitch.


Tutu said...

At least she had second thoughts and changed her mind about staying. It is a good sign I think.

PlazaJen said...

Just getting all caught up on this, Sue - so sorry you're on this crazy ride. But it does sound like your daughter is getting herself on a better path, even if she's struggling to walk it some days.
I hope she can keep focused on building herself back to happy, without anyone else involved.

Sizzle said...

I feel for you and your daughter. It's so hard to watch a loved one struggle with this sort of thing. But! It's good that she came to her senses before going to spend the night with him because that would have been BAD (as you know). I hope she can continue to get stronger in her self-esteem so that someone like him isn't even an option.