Saturday, October 31, 2009

Changes Pt.2

The darkness overwhelmed me.

I couldn't eat, sleep, function. I stayed home from work "sick" and spent all my days and nights in chat rooms on the computer, trying to figure out what I was... who I was... I found some support groups but most of them were trying to move on to a point where they were looking for someone to connect with. A goal I didn't have in mind. I already had someone to connect to... I just couldn't bring myself to tell him what had happened in my head, that the box had fallen off the "shelf" and the rotting horrible things about my life had spilled all over and I wasn't having very much luck cleaning it up. I was terrified if I told him that he would leave me.

Finally, after several weeks and trying to make sense of it all, I sat him down and told him.

As I've heard others say many times, although this had happened to me many years before, at the moment I told him, it had just happened to him. He had a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that I'd never told him about it before. He hates secrets and I had kept a whopper away from him.

To his credit, he was wonderful. Sweet, loving, kind, and tried so hard to understand what I was going through. I know I terrified him with thoughts of suicide, divorce, just running away and never looking back. I wasn't trying to outrun him or my family... I was trying to outrun myself.

I got it in my head that I needed to talk to my Aunt in California. She was my biological mom's sister and the only one who was around when I was very young. I got it in my head I wanted to know if my father had been the same way with her - if he'd always been this bitter and cruel, or if it was only with her death (very young, from complications of polio). I hadn't decided yet at that time if I was going to confront my parents with the things they'd done to me, or if I was going to just forgive them and move on. I needed more information.

I decided to drive to California from the middle of the country. A three-day drive. I had never been alone on any kind of a trip before. This was going to be terrifying.

To top it off? The therapist my husband had talked me into seeing said that he was being too involved and that he (my husband) was trying to 'fix' me too badly. That I needed to do this myself, so that I was not to tell him where I was, but I could call and re-assure him I was okay.

Therapists suck. be continued...

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