Sunday, November 1, 2009

Changes Pt.3

I left.

My husband was frantic. He called my Aunt who hadn't heard a word from me and had no idea I was coming. I hadn't told him that I had not been able to make connections with her yet, but that I just had to get out of the house. He was hovering, the kids were worried, everyone was going into such a protective mode that I couldn't breathe. I just needed to drive... to leave and let my mind go where it would.

For the first time in my life I had to depend on me. I had never pumped my own gas! I had to figure out where to go and when to stop and where to stay that wouldn't get me mugged or worse. I had to spend time just with me and my own thoughts.

By the time I got to California I was truly a new woman. I was so much more confident. Amazing what three days of being alone can do to you. I came to the conclusion that it was NOT my fault I'd been raped. That it was NOT my fault my parents were alchoholics. That it was NOT my fault I look and act just like my biological mom and was a constant reminder to my father. I decided before I even hooked up with my Aunt that no matter what she told me that I was going to forgive my parents and move on. I knew that they had re-written history already in their own minds and whatever I accused them of would be a mystery to them... they wouldn't have a clue what they'd done, for in their minds they had done nothing wrong.

My frantic husband begged me every time I called home to tell him where I was. To tell him he could come join me. Finally, after I got to California and had my epiphany, I told him yes. He could join me. He was on the next flight he could get on. I warned him I was a different person than the one who had left.

He was terrified. be continued...

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