Changes Pt.5

Almost fourteen years, to be exact.


There were a few times when I had some alchohol and got nerved up enough to try and approach him, but he wasn't having any of it. He basically told me the last time I'd tried to talk to him about it that he had zero sex drive.


I was crushed.


I loved this man. I was so attracted to him. I felt he loved me... and he said he loved me... but the rejection was in such conflict to this I didn't know what to think or feel. I would hear of people who had gone for weeks without sex and how they felt like they were missing out. I would try and think of it like he's been in an accident and can't do anything any more... I would justifiy it to myself in one way or another. But he wouldn't even be close. He would give me a peck on the lips to say goodbye or good morning, but no long lingering kisses... and I loved his kisses... No cuddling, not more than a hug standing in the kitchen... no curling up next to me at night, spooning, feeling his body pressed up next to me. Nothing. I felt like I was living with my brother. We'd moved into a new house, we were having the 'good life'... and we'd never even made love in our new house!


I talked to fellow bloggers and a few friends who were sympathetic and several who told me I should move on, that I wasn't so old that I couldn't find happiness elsewhere. I was told I was beautiful and sexy and funny and I didn't deserve this. I appreciated the votes of confidence... but I was still in love with this man. Deeply.


Finally, and perhaps fatefully, I sat him down one day last December and told him I was to the end. I couldn't go on like this. I didn't tell him I was going to leave, or find someone else, or threaten him in any way... I just told him this was my last effort to connect with him. That it was too important to me. That I needed him to be with me... physically... even if he couldn't "perform" or "complete the act" or whatever you want the term to be... I just needed him to be close to me again.


To this day I am not sure what I said that finally got through, but it did. We both ended up crying and holding each other and committing to trying to make it work... and not an hour later my mom called to tell me my dad was in the hospital and then the whole world tilted on it's axis again...

...to be continued...