Monday, November 2, 2009

Changes Pt.4

He tells me when he got off the plane he didn't know what to expect. He didn't know what I'd meant by my cryptic message. He soon found out. I was smiling. I was confident. I was... happy.

We spent another week in California together. A vacation we'd not had since we had been married, 10 years. We did the touristy things and we went to my Aunt's and had the conversation I intended on having. I got the answers to my questions and it helped.

Throughout this whole time, my husband had been trying everything to keep from losing me, which is what he thought was happening. He made love to me with a passion he'd never had before... and kept his solid, thoughtful, loving spirit close by should I need him.

After we got back, things settled into more of a normal pattern for a few weeks. I then hurt my back and had to have surgery which caused some disruption of our love life. It seemed after that, things just went... cold. I know my husband had some issues when I'd met him with confidence and had some ED issues... but I was okay with that. I mean, geez... guys have all this pressure to perform and it isn't like they can fake it or hide it like a woman can. (Not that I do, I want to make that clear.) It is just a fact of life and I would guess more men have issues than care to want anyone to know.

At any rate, it seemed all the stress and the fear of losing me had really given his confidence a hit and he withrew... gradually, it seemed, then it just came to a screeching halt. When I would approach him he'd be tired, or not interested, and a couple of times he even said he had been so hurt thinking I was leaving him when I went to California that it really crushed his libido. That, of course, played on my own guilt for putting him through all that... so I would meekly turn away and not push the issue.

A year went by.

I asked him to talk to the doctor about getting medication to help. He did... and tried the little blue pills. Nothing. They did nothing. He got up the nerve to ask the doctor for something else, but the confidence went away and the others he was given sat in the nightstand unused.

For years. be continued...

1 comment:

Miss Bliss said...

Just wanted you to know I'm still here...still listening.