Friday, October 30, 2009

Changes Pt.1

This whole thing with family moving back into the house changes the dynamic. I'll be honest. I'm not sure I like it. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughters and my grandson and I am thrilled to be in a position to have a house big enough to provide shelter for them and a pantry full enough to fulfill their requirements.

It just interferres with my OCS. (Only Child Syndrome, for those of you who don't know me).

A major... uh... hiccup... has been in my love life. Okay, for those of you who want to leave now, I'll understand. Honest, no hard feelings. I may get a bit TMI for some of you. I gotta get it off my chest, tho', so here goes.

I love my husband. Dearly. Passionately. Completely. Several years ago I went through what I call a nervous breakdown. I'm not sure if that was the technical term, but that's what it amounted to. As a child I went through some abuses, both physical and mental, from un-officially-diagnosed alchoholic parents. This led to terribly poor self esteem, which cycled me into a bad marriage, more bad choices and culmunating in a gang rape. Obviously, this is the Cliff Notes version.

I was lucky enough to meet a wonderful man, my current husband, and my life turned 360 degrees to a better direction. Unfortunately, all the things you hear about not dealing with troubles in your life will come back to bite you in the butt... well, it's true. I never told my husband about the rape, or some of the more awful things in my life. I tried very hard to put it all in a box and hide it away in my private place and not let it rule my life. It was ugly and rotting and from time to time there was seepage and I had a hard time containing it. I became ugly and bitter and a horrible mom and wife during those times.

In early 1995 I was brought to my knees after spending a full week at my parents' home over the holidays. My father was in full 'mean' drunk mode and since I no longer lived with them, he now had turned all his anger toward my mom. Suddenly I found myself defending her... who, in the past, had been just as mean and bitter as he had been.

It woke me up to the past and threw me headlong into a deep dark hole of depression I wouldn't climb out of for months.

...to be continued...

3 comments:

Miss Bliss said...

Listening...

Jan said...

Ready, when you are...
xoxo

teahouse said...

Giving you a big hug from across cyberspace. Glad we can be here for you.